Dealing with anger- when is it still okay?

My (soon-to-be) ex was recently hospitalized for emergency surgery.  After a rough few days, he’s pulling through and on the mend. It will take a few weeks, but he’ll be okay.

I realized during this time, how much has changed. While I was still his emergency contact, I really shouldn’t have been. His parents should’ve been contacted first, instead of me. And although I went to see him immediately, I felt out of place. I’ve been up to visit almost every day, but can barely manage to stay 45 minutes. We have very little to say to each other.

How does that happen? How is it possible that in a year and half, someone you spent over a decade with becomes a complete stranger? That I look at him in the hospital bed and feel nothing.

Now, before you think I’m a cruel person, I should add that while in the hospital he told me how he was out doing something completely inappropriate when he was so sick, he couldn’t have our children for an overnight. Yes, while I was dealing with sad children who missed their dad and were worried that he might have the flu, he was out doing xyz. And I can’t let it go.

I’m angry, so frustrated with his behavior (these consistent self-centered choices are what ended our marriage) and can’t muster up the empathy to be in the same room with him right now. I hate being this bitter person and had worked so hard not to be. Do I have the right to be angry? Am I horrible and cold-hearted?

Anniversaries

Relationships are full of anniversaries. Some romantics remember when they first met, kissed, loved, etc. Others celebrate only the wedding anniversary. One easy date to keep track of, one card or present to buy. One major life moment to cherish. But what do you do when that date comes along and you’re separated from the one you walked down the aisle for?

This month, I was at a child’s birthday party when I suddenly realized it was my wedding anniversary. I apologized later to my two friends who had the misfortune of being present for my ‘holy sh*t’ moment. I appreciated their lack of platitudes. They didn’t offer hollow words of encouragement, but merely looked at me and said, “Well, that sucks!”  I mean, what else can you say, really, to someone in the midst of a divorce?

Anyway, what I wondered after is…when do you stop counting anniversaries? My (soon-to-be ex) husband (by the way, there really should be a word for someone you are divorcing- he’s not my EX yet, but also not my husband. But that is another topic for another post), anyway, he moved out just months before our eleventh anniversary. Since we were oddly amicable and stumbling through the first few months of our separation, we actually went out to dinner that eleventh anniversary. Not a romantic place, but just as a weird way of marking what had been…

So what’s the point of this rambling?

I’m wondering…when people ask how long I was married, how do I answer? At what point do I stop counting anniversaries? The weekend he moved out? Do I mark the moment when I knew it was definitely over and I didn’t want to work it out? When the divorce becomes final?

Where is the book or authoritative website that tells me the proper divorce etiquette? Hmm…maybe I should check wikipedia.